mentally, i'm taking a vacation day.

if i could, i'd pack my bags & run off to some exotic, luxurious resort (i've heard australia's nice), where i'd lay on the sand, listening to the roar of the waves & the wind rustling through the palm trees. i'd drink a cool, frothy drink & my massage would be scheduled for later in the afternoon. & as the twilight hours approached, i'd soak in a warm, bubbly bath watching the sun set over the ocean. but, as alexander knows, running away isn't usually the answer, because days can be like this, even in australia. so instead, i'll turn on some island tunes, fill a frothy glass with crushed ice & a strong cherry coke, climb into my own warm & bubbly bath (and although my tub isn't in a setting as beautiful or relaxing as my aunt's outdoor tub is, it'll have to do), and pretend i'm elsewhere, listening to the waves crashing on the sand... all the while trying to ignore all thoughts running at lightening speed through my mind.

unfortunately it's not as easy to turn off those thoughts as i'd like. as i've mentioned before, i'm not one to talk about my feelings, i tend to keep things bottled up inside. for example, if we had talked yesterday, and you asked me how i was doing, i would have simply replied "fine" & conveniently forgotten to mention all the silly little details of my life. the problem with bottling it all up inside... sometimes you tend to explode. now we wouldn't want that to happen now would we? (it could get messy & another mess to clean up could put me over the edge.) because of this inability to express myself verbally, i find it imperative that that i write. i write to document my life. i write so that i can remember the lessons i've learned. i write so that one day, hopefully soon, i'll be able to look back, & laugh.

lately i've been thinking alot about something thomas jefferson said: "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot & hang on." so this is me, tying my rope and hanging on. because as they say: "everything will be okay in the end. if it's not the okay, it's not the end."

& i'm happy to report that today was a definite improvement over yesterday. in fact it was a pretty typical day: i accidentally flashed the entire neighborhood, my mortgage company sent me a notice stating that my payments will be going up in four months & i found out that gavin didn't get in to our pre-school of choice (blast those people who signed up when their child was still in the womb! i honestly thought it was a joke when people said you had to put your child on the pre-school wait list immediately after conception. oh well, i guess the joke's on me). oh happy day! no accidents involving bodily fluids, no beautification attemps (hopefully i've learned my lesson) & everyone ate their dinner.

so i'm hanging on & holding tight, because i know the sun is going to come out tomorrow, or at least i hope it will. until then, i'm on my island paradise, if you need to reach me.