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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

cheaper than therapy.

it's been one of those days, er weeks, okay... months. it feels good to say it out loud, let the healing process begin.

as much i wish i were, i've never claimed to be super mom, or to live a practically perfect life. that's the stuff fairy tales are made of. & while i am living my own version of "happily ever after," it's definitely not disney material. but lately, things aren't even close to being perfect, in fact, life seems to be utter chaos. these days, i've been fighting the blues, you might say i've been just a wee bit grumpy. i don't know, maybe you can relate, or maybe you'll think i'm completely off my rocker - but it feels as though i'm slowly drowning. i try not to let it show... that's what i do, what i've always done. i like to build a wall or fortress around myself, slowly shutting out friends, family & the world - transforming myself into what jeffy lovingly calls the "ice princess." sweet of him, huh? it's the sad, but real, truth. i can feel it happening. so i'm trying hard to fight it. each and every day i wake up & try to put on a brave face. i try to think of all the things i'm grateful for, for all of the wonderful blessings and opportunities i have & have had throughout my life. and most days i manage to come out on top. but not lately.

if you know me, you may or may not have noticed a difference. maybe you've realized that i don't call as much, that i'm not as "bubbly" as usual, or that i'm just not any fun to be around anymore. but, if you were to ask me about it, i probably brushed you off, or simply said "i'm fine." but that's just it, i'm not fine. but, i don't really want to complain, & i definitely don't want to talk about myself. yet here i am, doing both - complaining & talking about myself.

but, i've finally decided, instead of drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow, i'm going to "put it all out there." i'm going to open myself up, think good thoughts, & hope the universe takes pity on me. either that, or maybe i'll just move to austrailia - i hear the weather's nice & maybe i'll run into alexander, he knows what it's like to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day month. but don't mind me, pretty soon this blog will be back to it's regularly scheduled programming, that is if anyone is even reading it still. & if you do happen to still be reading, i hope i didn't just scare you off.

image via here.





36 comments:

The Shabby Princess said...

Sending you happy warm fuzzy thoughts! I've been in a funk lately too, it's so hard and so awful. I think you're pretty darn awesome :)

StakerSensations said...

Kelly-
I go through the same thing. And it's wierd cause I too shut myself out even though I LOVE my friends and would LOVE to be doing things with them. It's hard to explain...hang in there...you'll get through...it's tough sometimes!

mama jo said...

i know we all go through the same thing...i used to call it my 'blue' period...and i would have it about once a year when you guys were little...but, the thing is...you do shut yourself away...and unfortunately that's the worst thing to do...reach out for help...when dad was sick, i realized the best therapy was talking to my closest 20 or so friends and family...talking it out really, really helps....so give me a call...i miss it when you don't....also, you have been going through some tough times...so you might just deserve to be a little down...you will come out of this...i know it...you're so strong...know that i love you....soooooooo much!!!!

Tiffany said...

I am definitely still reading and you absolutely did not scare me off!

I admire you for being real!
Keep your chin up and enjoy this
virtual hug {{{{kelly}}}}}}

Kim said...

Thanks for mentioning this.

Oh man... I had such a rough time after my little bambino was born. I too pretended that everything was okay, when it definitely wasn't. All I saw around me were a bunch of people who seemed to have everything perfectly together. I began to hate the phone, and hibernated. Then, I slowly started to open up and realized that others also struggled. I felt a little better once I realized I was not alone or that it was okay to talk about. It took months but I worked through it. Honestly, I am worried the same thing will happen next time around, but at least I know I can get through it and that it won't last forever.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. Things will look up, I promise.

lemoniepants said...

oh! ditto ditto ditto!
no idea what is going on with me either. things are fine, but not fine.

i have learned one thing from this. i am not a good communicator, so i vomit little bits of "help me" awkwardly. they have been met with "stop complaining, life is fine!"

so. i have decided to take extra time to listen, to be sure i am not mistaking complaining for a quiet cry for help in others.

hope things get BRIGHTER for you soon.

Angry Julie Monday said...

Big Hugs my friend. We've all been there. I love that your mom commented here.

Shannon said...

Oh girl, I am living that same kind of wonderful horrible. I hate myself for not being able to just make those feelings go away. And the guilt, from not being this wonderful, happy mom and wife. I often wonder why, as moms, we are so hesitant to share these imperfect times.

I am standing with you as you face these dark mommy times. And I am not ashamed to say that I started taking 'happy pills". It was a decision I struggled with. But I finally decided just to try, knowing I could stop taking them at any time. But I haven't stopped taking them. For me, they worked.

They just seemed to turn on some kind of switch that made me feel happy. I know some people have very negative opinions of these kinds of drugs but I say do whatever works. And that will be different for every person.

Take some time for yourself. I know easier said than done. But nights out with the girls and alone with the husband do help. I'm sending lots of happy thoughts and cyber hugs!

Laura B. said...

Kelly,
I've followed your blog for a long time, but rarely comment. I had to pop on to say that you're not alone!
Everyone has funks...it's part of the highs and lows of life. No one judges because we all go through them.
Keep hanging on!! This too shall pass! :)

Laura B. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allison said...

It is so exhausting to pretend to have the perfect life. And we all go through periods just like you are, especially with big changes like a new baby.

Here is to hoping it gets better soon, and that getting it off your chest will be a relief!

When I had my twins I was in a funk and life was pure chaos for a whole year. But now I look back and laugh. You will get to that point one day!

anna jo said...

kelly, I think it's true--we all go through rough times. so I'm glad you opened up + reached out. it's obvious you have a lot of support here. and I love the quote. thanks for sharing. ::hugs!!::

*JEM* said...

Have been a follower for a long time but don't believe I've ever commented so I wanted to take this opportunity to acknowledge that it's o.k. to not be, feel, think, act, etc. perfect and it's fantastic that you've "put it out there" for all to see, read, help with. I think there are millions of us who could have written this exact same post.

Qwendykay said...

Oh man.. totally feel you. And I blogged about it here.
http://qwendykay.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-love-him-and-my-life.html

While I'm a mellower person now... I'm totally in a blue phase because things are just so... blah. Kid-focused... which is great if I was 4, but I'm a fascinating person besides just being a mom.
Aww and sweet note from mama jo.

Emily said...

okay so totally felt like i just wrote that or I could copy/paste it right on to my blog, i guess it's a sign when i was crying by the time i finished reading. it's so comforting to know other people feel the same way, i'm sure it's not comforting to you, but it helps me to know i'm not alone. life is not always perfect, children, husbands, friends,us(as in me)-we're not perfect and that's what makes life wonderful. i know it's hard to get out of the funk but it will happen.....hopefully sooner then later!! hangin there your not by yourself!! australia sounds pretty good right about now-especially since it's summer there!

Dancin Queen said...

So sorry my dear. Hope that you find your groove soon. In the meantime--sending lots of love your way! xoxo

kelly said...

Thanks everyone for letting me vent, if just a bit. I read blogs, or look at other people's lives & everyone & everything else seems so perfect...
so I have to admit, it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Shabby Princess: thanks for thinking i'm awesome. You're awesome too. & i know you'll get out of your funk!

StakerSensations: why do we shut ourselves off from the world? especially in our time of need.

mama jo: I so wish I had your ability to talk. i don't know why, but it so hard for me to open up. i really need to work on that!

Tiffany & Dancing Queen: thanks for not letting me scare you off! & for sending love - i need all i can get right now!

Kim: it sounds like you've gotten things under control! i doubt you'll have the problem again. but even if you do, you know what steps you need to take to combat it!


lemoniepants: you're so right. we do silently ask for help. that's a great idea... i really need to pay attention to those around me & see who else s calling for help.

angry julie: you're da bomb!

Shannon & Emily: we are going to get through this together. Or, at the very least - we will all go to austrailia together.

Laura B. & *Jem*: Thank You so much for the comments! I always wonder if anyone is "out there". Thank you for your encouragement & good thoughts.

Allison, Anna Jo & Qwendykay: thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for sharing your stories and the encouragement.

Again, all I can do is think good thoughts and let the universe do it's work... it's definitely NOT the end.

Kristen said...

I think every momma has this moment (frequently for me) in their lives. For me it's the duck on the pond: Calm on top and paddling like crazy on the bottom. I recently went through this and decided that it was time to be a teeny, tiny, spec of selfish and make sure to take care of moi. So when the girl friends called to do something, gosh darn it, I said yes, when I would normally say no.
And I think the biggest step is verbalizing it - to anyone besides yourself. So, good job on the first step. Hope you're feeling better so I can pester you about your lovely area and stuff to do! Get betta soon.

kara jayne said...

oh boy do i know what your talking about. i love what lemoniepants said because that is exactly how i dealt with it...humorously talking about how i was 'drowning' (like you said)...but really was saying, "i'm dying here and i don't know what to do."

i'm going to take her advice and try to be more sensitive to others. sure wish i lived by you so i could help you out. thanks for being my cyber friend.

Kat said...

I'm new to your blog and you didn't scare me off. You're just being honest - and that's refreshing. Also, I can kind of relate because my husband goes through the same thing and he's in it right now. It's nice to know he's not alone and we're not going crazy.

Jenni said...

Are we sisters? I do this same thing. Actually I'm just getting over an ice princess phase of mine. I'll still be here for you - no matter how much you brush me away :)

Jenni said...

Are we sisters? I do this same thing. Actually I'm just getting over an ice princess phase of mine. I'll still be here for you - no matter how much you brush me away :)

Travelin'Oma said...

Oh, Kelly, I feel for you. Your post flashed me back 30 years when I had a similar experience. I just finished writing about it for my post on Friday.

It's so hard to see the light when everything feels dark. After denying my symptoms for a long time, I finally started taking anti-depressants which made all the difference.

A Super Mom is a regular mom with super challenges. Living with 3 little kids qualifies you!

Jessi said...

You are so wonderful for sharing your personal thoughts and feelings. Every woman reading your blog can absolutely relate and you've helped us to feel not alone. Hopefully you can feel the love we're sending back.

kelly said...

i LOVE all the warm fuzzies! you guys are making me feel ten times better!

kristen: i love the duck analogy. it's perfect! you can pester me anytime about OC.

kara janye: i wish you lived closer too! are you still coming out to visit my fair oc, or did you already come?

kat: oh i feel for you! it must be hard to watch someone you love going through this funk. send him (& you my love)

jenni - maybe we should get matching ice princess t-shirts... we can wear them proudly!

travelin'oma: you always know just what to say!

jessi: i hope people can relate. & i hope i can help someone else with all my rambling!

Martyrmama said...

it happens to the best of us and you know, blogger is GREAT free therapy! just hang in there. it'll turn around. you've three little one who need SO much of you that you forget to listen to YOU. don't forget to schedule a "mommy time out" from time to time. don't worry about the messy hair, the toothpaste on the bathroom wall, the sticky place on the floor that now is hairier than your legs for all the sock fuzz it's picked up. forget about the dishes. forget about the clutter. shut. it. down. and then when you're ready...and ONLY when you're ready...go out, treat yourself to some crushed ice and turn up the Pat Benatar or Foo Fighters and car-dance your fanny off with the sun roof open. because it is all about YOU, sunshine. it's all about you. you'll find your groove thang. it's just stuck on "pause" at the moment. and a moment of pause is so very good for us all.

big hugs to you, you amazingly wonderful & perfectly perfect even when feeling flawed girl you! ;)

Nicki said...

Kelly, I know EXACTLY what you are going through cause I JUST GOT THROUGH it and you will, too! It's so frustrating cause you can't control it as much as you'd really like to shake off that blanket of darkness. You're sad, your sluggish and on the verge of tears and YOU DON'T KNOW WHY and then you're mad about it all cause you have no good reason to feel this way!! I finally asked my hubby for a little "melchizedek medicine" and I noticed an immediate improvement. Then when my baby was about 6 months old, I noticed that if finally started to taper off. Another thing that really helped me was talking to my mom about it and she was a good listener and validated my feelings. It sounds like you have a very similar mom! It'll be over soon!

laura said...

oh yes - i think we all go through this. and you are right - looking through people's blogs and the lives we put "out there" for public consumption - well, no one talks about their money problems, the dirty dishes, their children's stress and that general overall stress that surrounds modern life. but oh yes, just know it is there, and lots of people feel just like you are feeling right now. (((((hugs))))) hope your funk passes soon.

* TONYA * said...

Honey, I get it, I really do. One of the things my counselor said this week is to set up a video camera in the home and just listen to how you sound when you watch it. Even if I don't feel like it I'm now trying to make a more concerted effort to sound happier, even if it's just for the rest of my family.

I'm always happy to run away to Australia with you :)

Amy said...

I absolutely understand what you are going through!!!

(http://craftingbycandlelight.blogspot.com/2009/10/weekend-update_26.html)

I think many of us have been where you are. I'm so sorry you are going through a rough patch! Sending good thoughts your way!

-Amy
Crafting by Candlelight

KIM D said...

thank you, thank you, thank you for putting yourself and your honesty out there. i really needed to know that i'm not alone in feeling this way sometimes. i did chuckle about the name "ice princess." fits the mood perfect!

Paige said...

That's been my month too. Thanks for sharing.

jen said...

kelly,
you're not alone. it's hard being a woman when so many things are expected of us and we ARE expected to be superwoman. you're pretty darn close though! i hope you feel better soon, and i'm excited to see you soon too!

Katelyn said...

Thanks for opening up and recognizing/realizing that it's okay that you don't feel like yourself. I love visiting your blog and started reading after you had Charlie. Hang in there!

Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} said...

Yep. I can relate. Thanks for putting yourself out there. It's refreshing to know others are in it, too.

ashlie said...

It is so nice to actually hear someone talk about the mommy blues. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in our kids that we forget who we are! I hope that things start looking up! Hang in there! :)